LET your pain come out. Let the tears flow. It is okay to cry even if you’re not the kind of person who shows your feelings. Moreover, realize that there is no right or wrong way to feel pain, to release pain and to keep trying to work through it. What is important is recognizing the pain and trying to work through it; how you do so is entirely up to you and the feelings inside of you. Crying, pummeling the pillow, going for a long run, sitting somewhere special with a view and just contemplating, throwing things out, going for a long drive, screaming at the top of your lungs in a forest or other solitary place, painting or drawing memories, writing poetry, getting angry with your workout equipment, going dancing, and so forth are just some of the ways people find outlets for their pain and they’re all equally valid methods for releasing what is building up inside. Find your best ways to release the pain by listening to your gut feelings and following them.
Avoid doing anything that might result in harm to yourself or to others. Loss isn’t about inflicting harm or making things worse. Loss is a time for learning how to draw on your inner reserves and learning how to cope better with pain.

Shift the focus as often as you can from the sadness, disappointment, anger and broken heart and try instead to remember the good times and the best things. Focusing on negative aspects to try and increase the intensity and duration of the pain from your loss won’t change what has happened but will make you feel a great deal worse. Ultimately, you need to question to what avail, as making yourself unhappier is a recipe for longer-term health problems and risks debilitating you. And be assured that no person or being who has brought you happiness would have ever wanted you to collapse in a heap. Every single time you feel tempted to become even more sad, angry, down or self-pitiful, grab a diary and write down the good things you can remember about the person, pet or dream that has been lost to you. If you’ve lost someone, remember such things as what a person said or did, the small quirky mannerisms to the large generosities, the times that you spent laughing together and the things this person has taught you about life and yourself. If it’s a lost pet, remember the beautiful times you spent together, the happy life you enabled for your pet and the special traits your pet had. And if it’s a lost dream or object of desire, remember the good that came of pursuing or having these things, and be thinking about what you learned that could be applied to better experiences in the future.

Distract yourself. Too many thoughts going around your head in circles can lead to second guessing, wishing you’d being more this, that or the other or to other unhelpful thought processes. By getting busy and occupying yourself in tasks that require a different focus, you give yourself a break from constantly ruminating over the loss. This also gives you the space to realize that there are good things about your world still and that life does go on, as clichéd as that sounds. And while work or studies can provide some relief from the constant thoughts about loss, don’t simply rely on your routine to distract yourself or you risk feeling that there is only work and sorrow and nothing in between. Help reacquaint yourself with happier pursuits by doing something that gives you peace. There are all sorts of possibilities, such as gardening, cooking, fishing, listening to your favorite music, walking, drawing, painting, writing, etc. Choose whatever calms you and gives you a sense of joyful achievement (not something work or studies can always promise).

There is a lot of therapeutic good to be found in pursuits such as art, cooking and gardening and many people even use these as therapy, such as in the case of art therapy. Anything in which you use both mind and body coordination and in which you’re being both creative and engaged is an important way to help yourself gradually unfurl from the pain inside.

Perhaps involve yourself with social work. When you involve yourself with other people’s lives, you gain many insights on how to cope better. Consider volunteering as one possibility. If you like children, helping with young children who display lots of spontaneity and laughter may serve to soothe you.

Save things that remind you of your loved one or your lost dream. Just because a person or a pet is gone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t always remember them. It may be comforting to know that even if the person or pet is no longer here, the friendship, love and family/personal ties you have with them still exist. No one will ever be able to take that away from you, and the relationship you have with him or her will always be a part of you. And if you’ve lost a dream, that doesn’t mean that you have to discard all memories of the journey taken toward it. Some mementos will always be worth keeping reminding you of your own courage, tenacity and ability to envision a better future, and the memories of what you have striven for will continue to exist for you to draw on with new dreams.

Find delight in beautiful days. When you’ve been experiencing the blues for a time and you’ve been keeping indoors or walking with your head down and not noticing the world around you, embrace the sunnier or fairer days when they happen.

•TO BE CONTINUED