Guardian

Good morning Amara,

I want to thank you for the good job you are doing. I love my wife, but the problem is that she is always dry each time I want to penetrate. What do you think should be done about this?

Dear Amara,

I am happy whenever I read your articles; you have kept me strong in my relationship. But I have a problem my dear Amara. My husband is not always interested in sex. To him, sex is just for baby making and he doesn’t have time because of his job, which I don’t believe. I am tired of him and I may go out any moment from now to satisfy myself because I am still young.

Madam Amara,

I am a married man with two kids. But my wife complains of pain after sex due to the size of my penis. Please tell me what to do, as I don’t like having her go through pain after sex.

I decided to pick the three comments above to aid us in this article on the place of sex in marriage.

Although couples seeking marriage help frequently mention the lack of sex or good sex as a source of unhappiness, few people really understand the strong psychological effect frequent sex has in a marriage. It can be the antidote to the poisons in your relationship and one of the best ways you and your spouse can rekindle a level of intimacy that hearkens back to the beginning of your journey together.

I want us to look at the problems mentioned above: vaginal dryness, extra large penis, and absence of sex due to time.

Chronic vaginal dryness, which results from less-than-normal lubrication in your vagina, is usually caused by changes in your estrogens level. Your production of estrogens may drop while you’re breastfeeding, for example; some women experience vaginal dryness all the time they’re lactating, but the problem disappears once breastfeeding stops. And just before menopause, your estrogens level begins to decline, which can lead to vaginal dryness as well.

Chronic vaginal dryness is different from the occasional dryness you may feel if you aren’t relaxed during sex or have intercourse before you’ve had enough time to become aroused. In such a case, you may not produce the lubrication that normally accompanies sexual arousal, and intercourse may feel uncomfortable. Dryness in young women is usually due to an inability to relax and ‘let go’. It’s only when you really throw yourself into sex that the vagina starts lubricating.

Douching can result in vaginal dryness, and yeast and other common infections may irritate your vagina and cause a feeling of dryness, even though the vagina is actually well lubricated. Women who have had their ovaries surgically removed or have undergone pelvic irradiation for cancer may also experience vaginal dryness, which usually goes away on its own.

What is expected of a husband whose wife experiences this dryness? I know you love her and because of that love, you should give her your time. Time here is not about you staying back home with her; I am talking about time in the bedroom. Give her time to get turned on and ready to take you in. Yes you want her badly and can’t wait to devour her, but sir, she needs more time!

When we talk about foreplay, some guys think it’s just about you running your hands through her body for just five minutes and then pushing your way into her. The act of foreplay starts from the time you wake up in the morning till evening when you are ready for the actual thing. Hey; sex must not always be kept for the night; the quickie sometimes is a big turn on and stirs the love pot. If your office is somewhere close to the house, you can drop by and catch a quick one; that’s where the fun and excitement lies.

But girl, you know your man won’t enjoy a quickie with you if your feminine body is not properly taken care of and kept the way it should be. If he stops by and all he gets is some odour oozing out of your vaginal, I am sorry, but wahala dey (there’s trouble).

That your ex-girlfriend loved it when you sucked her nipples does not mean every woman gets turned on once their nipples are sucked. For you to get it right with foreplay, you must make the sacrifice of exploring your woman’s body and on your own, discover her G-spot; that makes you her hero in the bedroom. Calm down and try it out on different parts of her body and as you do this, bear in mind that she may not tell you when she is enjoying it except your communication life is intact.

Some women enjoy it when you gently touch their clitoris, others enjoy it when you touch the back and tender part of their ears, while for others, the running of your mouth through their body down to their clit does it. Be careful not to be too hard on her as a result of your nerves that are all standing at that very point. Women love it when their man is tender in bed.

Even a woman who has reached menopause will get wet and turned on when foreplay is given its right place. To a woman, foreplay is more important than the actual penetration.

Talking about a very big penis, you will be surprised when you finally decide to engage in proper foreplay. The problem could be solved just by getting her ready for action. Get her wet and in a different world where she forgets everything about pain. Also learn to take it easy with her. Find out how she wants it. Some women want it fast and hard while others want it soft and tender.

Another problem we have in marriage is that of lack of time and wrong understanding of sex. To a lot of married people, sex is just for procreation and nothing more. Sex is valued only when it’s time for the woman to carry another baby and dropped the moment she takes in. This is not God’s plan for marriage. Who is to blame for this damaging mistake in our homes? I think both partners are to blame.

A good number of African women ignore their husband the moment they start making babies. I still wonder when I see young women live with the old-wives-tale which says that your children are your husband and this makes them ignore the man for the children.

Sir, your job is not supposed to take you away from your family. You work hard to keep them comfortable; I am happy about that and she is grateful, but she needs you. Sex shouldn’t be for procreation alone; it’s also for enjoyment and a fulfilled life. Sex has a way of taking stress away from us. When you see a woman who is sexually fulfilled, she glows and smiles even often.

In all practicality, the rigors of financial responsibilities and stresses that tend to hold your routines hostage means there is less time for intimacy unless you make it.  Unfortunately when it comes to making time for our personal relationships, we are our own worst enemies.  We allow work and daily routines to take over.  More often than not, people don’t realize it until it’s too late and there is a problem in their marriage.  Keeping connected emotionally and physically is an extremely important part of a marriage. A sexless marriage is not only psychologically unhealthy for both partners; it could be a contributing factor to a marriage in crisis.

Sex is great between a husband and wife when there are mutual trust, freedom, security, respect, play, and excitement. Good sexual relations in marriage are not just physical; they are also emotional.

Make it a fulfilling one for your spouse. You can be your woman’s dream man or vice versa. Sex has a way of restoring peace and tranquillity in our homes. Sex is a good thing and should be enjoyed. Never spiritualize sex in your home. Keep fit; maintain a good skin that can be caressed by your man without some roadblocks. Keep it smooth and keep the genitals well groomed.

Next week, I shall be looking at those things that hinder good sex in the home. But before then, sex shouldn’t be hard work; enjoy it!