Jang’s three point agenda
THE Governor of Plateau state, Jonah Jang, has disclosed that contrary to popular knowledge, he is not a daft old man who does not know his ass from his elbow. To show that he is brilliant and cerebral, Jang has developed a three point agenda as fictional Chairman of the Nigeria Governors’ Forum (NGF), which he said would take the forum to greater heights. In a press briefing which he gave to journalists after meeting Pres. Jonathan in Aso Rock, Jang said, “You all saw the video of the NGF elections online and must have noticed how noisy it was, therefore my Agenda number 1 is that henceforth I shall write the names of noisemakers during every NGF meeting and submit the list to Aso Rock. The president has assured me that he would personally forward the names of noisemakers to the EFCC. My Agenda Number 2 is that henceforth camera phones would be banned during our meetings. We need the kids – sorry, the governors – to concentrate during meetings and not to be pressing their phones. We have hired security guards and protocol officers from some private universities to ensure that this ‘no camera phone’ rule is implemented. Lastly, in all things I will follow God’s will. And we know that in these our times, God’s will is represented in one man, so as Godswill keeps pushing us towards Goodluck as a Forum, we will continue to follow.”
Gov. Jang clarifies on God’s will
In a related development, a close associate of Gov. Jonah Jang has expressed sadness that Nigerians did not understand the coded message which Governor Jang tried to communicate to them. Last Sunday, Gov. Jang had said during a church thanksgiving that “if you rig and succeed during an election, it is God’s will.” According to the governor’s associate who spoke with A Pinch…, it was not the Almighty God who Jang was referring to when he said that. He said, “To understand what exactly Jang was saying, you have to think. Who is the person who boasted during the Good Governance Tour of the Information Minister that he rigged the election in his state to install a senator? Was it not God’s will that made that rigging to happen? Of course it was done by God’s will! And it is that Godswill that Gov. Jang was referring to, not God’s will, if you know what I’m saying. The success of Jang’s faction so far, even though Jang did not win the election, is down to the amazing rigging abilities of Godswill.”
Pres. Jonathan to take week off to treat sore ass
A statement from the president’s special adviser on media and publicity, Reuben Abati, informed Nigerians that doctors at the villa have recommended that President Goodluck Jonathan should take the whole of this week off to relax his presidential buttocks. He said that this became necessary because the president was suffering from a severe case of sore ass, following the amount of ass kissing which he received last week. The president developed the sore ass when state governors mapped out his bum-bum with at least one governor from each zone choosing a part to kiss. The North West was represented by Gov. Aliyu of Niger, who mapped the biggest portion of the president’s backside to kiss because Niger is the biggest state in the country. Aliyu confessed to Pres. Jonathan that he was a master noisemaker and one of the 169, 999, 999 Nigerians with bad luck as the president is “the only man with good luck” on either side of the Niger River. In the South South, it was a fight between Dickson of Bayelsa and Uduaghan of Delta over who should represent the zone, but Uduaghan finally won the battle. He charged Deltans to support the president because he had the trademarked bum-bum of a South South man, which was very important as Nigerian politics is not only shitty but regional. Gov. Elechi of Ebonyi kissed the First Ass on behalf of the South East and told Nigerians to stop abusing the president as doing so was the major threat to Nigeria’s democracy.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
It was a week of undiluted clownishness. The governors continued in their dance of shame with Govs. Akpabio and Jang emerging as lead naked dancers. It has been a grotesque performance indeed. Reuben Abati and Rotimi Fashakin threw away all restraints and turned official press releases into worthless statements garnished with personal insults and demeaning the offices they represent, especially Abati who speaks for our President. There were many others, but one story which touched A Pinch... was the release of some Boko Haram suspects in Borno and Yobe. Kids between 10 and 17 years were among those released. One child confessed that he was given the sum of N5, 000 to burn down schools. What a sad thing! While governors are making a fool of themselves and camping in Abuja and the president is engrossed in a fight to become president again, the future is being stolen; kids are being raped of their innocence for N5000 or less. But the most hideous are those treacherous criminals who indoctrinate these kids, who put the fuel in their hands, who arm them, who send them on devilish missions, and whose own kids are not risked. Their day will come. They will answer for the bleeding they’ve wreaked on the motherland. It shall not be well with them. Clowns of the first order, they receive the CeeCee this week.
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