A democracy of tears
By Reuben Abati
"CONGRATULATIONS, my brother"
"Ehn, Hen. I win jackpot? I don win? Abi my name don appear for newspapers?
"Who is talking about jackpot?"
"Well, that is what is on my mind, right now! I had participated in one of these Win-A-Car, Become-an-Instant-millionaire promos, and I am believing in God that this is my moment of promise. That was what our Pastor prophesied into my life last week Sunday in church."
"Forget about your Pastor. I hope he knows that very soon, he and his church will soon start paying taxes to the state.. And I am in support of that."
"May God forgive your sins for you know not what you are saying about the anointed of the Lord."
"Even the Lord Jesus Christ paid tax."
"No. He didn't. He only said Give unto Caesar, what is Caesar's."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Look, I am thinking of the jackpot I expect to win ...."
"Forget about winning a jackpot. I am congratulating you on ten years of Nigerian democracy, ten years of uninterrupted military rule."
"What is the difference? Nigerian democracy is like a lottery. Many people lose their bets, they waste their enthusiasm, their hopes are shattered; very few, only a minority ends up smiling all the way. In the democracy jackpot, I am on the side of the losers. I look around. I can't see what 10 years of democracy has brought me, or you, or that man or that lady. So, why do you congratulate me?"
"Ah come on. Loosen up. Don't join the cynics. Is it because PHCN threw us into darkness just now? Ten years is worth celebrating. It could have been worse. Oh la la la....U la Oh"
"Yes. I know. It could have been worse. That is what Nigerians console themselves with when they are overwhelmed by circumstances."
"Open up your mind. Were you using GSM phone ten years ago? Could you ten years ago put a phone call through to any part of the world, as you do now?"
"I don't see how that amounts to a reason for celebration. Long before Nigerians began to use the GSM, there was already a telephony revolution in Republic of Benin, Ghana, Cote d'Ivoire, Mali and other African countries. And besides, GSM has nothing to do with democracy."
"It is in fact the ultimate symbol of democracy. Don't you see mechanics, prostitutes, drivers, motorcyclists, factory workers, labourers, students, all using cell phones? With the telecom revolution, every small Nigerian is now a big man. That is something."
"It is nothing. And for your information., the telecom licences were first given out by Babangida and then Abacha - by the military."
"Don't mention the military in this conversation. Never again. They caused all our problems."
"But we have had civilian rule now for 10 years. What have we done with it?"
"The country looks different. I can immediately list some states where things are different. Lagos, number one. Then Ogun, Gombe, Lagos, the Federal Capital Territory, Niger and em,...let me see...Cross River, Akwa Ibom, Anambra..."
"Go on. Seven states out of 36, and I am sure there are people who will disagree with your choice. Let's face it, we are a nation of speculators, a country of gamblers. Our democracy is one big lottery. The people who are benefiting from it do not necessarily deserve their trophies."
"I would say loot."
"Now, you are beginning to get my point."
"I understand your point. I am just asking for a sense of balance. An occasion like this requires a fair-minded audit."
"Not celebration."
"There is no harm in popping a bottle or two to celebrate Nigeria."
"Is it Nigeria we are celebrating? This obsession with May 29 bothers me. October 1 is Nigeria's Day of Independence. But May 29 is gradually supplanting October 1."
"Don't worry. October 1 will be celebrated on a grand scale next year when Nigeria turns 50 as an independent nation. Nigeria at 50: Great nation, good people."
"Are you aware that the National Assembly is planning to spend N159 million to celebrate ten years of return to civilian rule?"
"I trust Nigeria's legis-looters. If na you nko?"
"I am a patriot, please. You know I have always said that our people have no sense of shame. The lawmakers want to spend N25 million to produce 5,000 copies of the National Assembly year book, N15 million on handbooks, N2 million on gala night, N10 million on certificates, plaques and memorabilia, and so on."
"Some state governments and local governments are likely to spend more."
"And this is the same National Assembly which has passed only five bills in two years. Even President Yar'Adua had to complain that there is a Go-Slow in the National Assembly."
"He said that?"
"Yes."
"President Yar'Adua said that?"
"Yes, he did."
"Okay, I give up, but I am happy that the Conference of Nigerian Political Parties (CNPP) says the last 10 years are the Years of the Locust."
"Obviously."
"The CNPP has also declared a seven-day period of mourning."
"Quite right. Only a shameless nation will celebrate 10 years of democracy at a time like this. There is internal warfare in the Niger Delta. University teachers are on strike, medical doctors across the nation are planning to go on strike. Teachers in the Federal Government-owned secondary schools are on strike, the country's foreign reserves is down, the economy is in trouble. Seventy per cent of the population lives below the poverty line on less than a dollar per day. And yet Nigerian leaders are rolling out the drums, organizing banquets and pretending that all is well... it is all so insensitive"
"Newspapers will get congratulatory adverts, of course. What's your comment on that?"
"For me, the situation in the Niger Delta says it all. It is a metaphor on the Nigerian condition."
"My position on that is clear. I support the military assault on the militants. The Federal Government warned them long enough. No responsible government will fold its arms and allow criminals to hold it to ransom."
"But how about innocent civilians who are the principal victims of the blow-out?"
"Collateral damage."
"Those are other people's parents, children and brothers and sisters. They are Nigerian citizens! And my biggest concern is that we are creating in the Niger Delta, a humanitarian crisis. We are increasing the population of refugees in the country."
"I know. I know. But how do you differentiate a militant from an ordinary civilian? Unless the people themselves are willing to give up the militants in their midst and by so doing protect themselves, the Joint Task Force cannot be blamed for treating anyone in its line of fire as a militant."
"Militants do not wear uniforms. They are not an organized army, with the paraphernalia of a state army."
"Terrorists."
"No. I am saying that there should be a method to the JTF's operation. It should rely on intelligence, not the kind of raw brawn that we see on display in the Niger Delta. The war may not end easily. And in the end, Nigeria would still have to address the core Niger Delta question."
"Big Nation, Angry People."
"The Niger Delta is truly a metaphor."
"You keep saying metaphor, metaphor. Is that a new addition to your vocabulary, because the first time you mentioned the word, I thought you said camphor. And I was wondering what camphor has got to do with Nigeria."
"Everything. Our country is camphoric. It just keeps smelling the same way. All the problems that we inherited from the military in 1999, I don't know if anyone of them has been solved. I can provide a list."
"We all know what is wrong with Nigeria, don't bother."
"...So, what are we celebrating?"
"We are the happiest people in the world. And do you think the people in government do not know what is wrong with Nigeria? Seven point agenda. Vision 2020. Where were you when former President Olusegun Obasanjo said publicly that between 1999 and 2007, his assignment was not to fix bad roads, or provide water, or jobs or send anybody's children to school, but to keep Nigeria together.
"That kind of talk is at the heart of the Nigerian tragedy. Is Nigeria today more united than it was in 1999? I do not think so."
"What you think or do not think does not quite matter, you see. You missed the jackpot"
"I know. But at least we can still talk. I thank God for that."
"One of these days, this your mouth will get you into trouble."
"I thank God for that too."
"Look, leave God out of this matter. You thank God for this. You thank God for that. Is it God that has been running this country for the past 10 years? Is it God that is responsible for the crisis in the Niger Delta?"
"It could have been worse. I thank God for that too."
"That was what a friend of mine said after Manchester United was thoroughly beaten by Barca in the Champions League."
"What do you mean thoroughly beaten? The match ended 2-0. It wasn't just our day."
"No. Man U was taken out of the game by Barcelona. Your team was taken to the cleaners by the best football team in Europe, and don't tell me you thank God for that too, because I have heard some Nigerian Man U fans swearing that Barcelona used "Juju."
"Nigerians!"
"One guy insisted that there is juju in European football. If not, why couldn't Ronaldo, Rooney, Rio play good football. Something held their legs."
"Nigerians seem to be more interested in the Champions League final, not the May 29 Democracy Day."
"Why not? Ten years after, all the country's major football teams are dead. There is no proper local league. The people's passion for football has been directed towards Europe."
"A tragedy."
"The bigger tragedy is the story of the Man U fan somewhere in the East who drove his bus into jubilant Barcelona fans. Four persons died on the spot; 10 others sustained injuries."
"Stranger than fiction."
"Oh yes, oh Burundi!"
"What about Burundi? Where is that coming from?"
"There is a big scandal in Burundi right now about persons who kidnap and murder albinos to sell their body parts for witchcraft rituals. Albino body parts, it is said bring good luck. That your albino cousin, who likes to travel up and down, you better tell him not to go near Burundi." "Looks like this thing is an African thing."
"What thing?"
"Backwardness."
