‘Emotionless Sex And No Affection From My Husband’
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Emotionless sex and no affection…Is cheating my only option to saving my marriage?
I’ve been with my husband for five years and married for two. I’m at the end of my rope. I took on a lot of the weight with this issue because my last relationship ended pretty badly and I didn’t really date for about four years before my husband. I’m a very independent, outspoken and strong willed woman and didn’t stand for a lot of foolishness.
However, I was ready to change when I met my husband and I had years to face myself in the mirror and became very familiar with my flaws.
The quality of sex was not an issue in the beginning but he was a once-a-week and I was more three-four-times a week person. At the time, I thought we could work around it but it only got worse and then the excuses started.
We argued a lot. “You’re too outspoken”, “I can’t do it while you’re pregnant”. I was confused, sad, and hurt. I believed him, I thought I must be provoking him.
By most standards I’m an attractive woman and very self-sufficient. I tore myself apart inside and out; I questioned my past partners and even talked to him about his sexuality and ability to perform.
I changed and most of it was needed changes but the emptiness I still feel is destroying me. The problem is, there is no cheating (believe me, I have searched).
He’s not a terrible guy and I see him trying to change but it’s not natural. When I kiss him, he stands there, when I hug him his arms just dangle by his side.
In the bed, there’s this invisible line his side/my side. He likes to sleep on the sofa and after years of bordering, he finally got to the point and gets in the bed at 2,3,4 am in the morning when clearly I’m asleep.
No cuddling, unless I initiate and even then he lay there like I’m molesting him. No foreplay now that the sex is back to one time a week (if I’m lucky) but better then 40-60 days between it used to be.
I know he is trying and I see his slow progress but I’m 37, thirsty for sexual excitement, some foreplay, sweet talk in the bed at night, oral anything at this point.
I love my husband and I want all of this with him… I’m very attracted to him and it kills me to step out on my marriage because I can work around a lot but I’m lonely, desperate, confused, and I’ve argued and talked myself to death.
He says he loves me and I believe him, he won’t leave and I used to try and force him to leave (which I stopped doing) because I couldn’t understand why he wanted to stay with a woman he couldn’t touch or be with sexually. I have a person in mind to sleep with and I really want give it a go but I feel guilty.
Part of me wants him to get jealous and change but the reality is it may back fire… I feel trapped and foolish…Is this what I’m reduced to? Advice: Please dear readers mail your comments, reactions or true love stories, quiz or personal experience u wish to share to this email: simonclar
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5 Comments
I feel your pain. If you have not tried, I recommend both of you should see a sound marriage counselor. Good luck.
Dear writer, I have been married to my husband for almost two three years now and with my husband for 4 years. All thought we started out in an LDR him in Nigeria me in the states..when my husband arrived here I felt over joyed and I like you, love the same thing…being touched, hearing words of affirmation and affection. But then when it comes to the sex you want that connection…
Sadly though I too feel your pain..my husband does the same thing. I have to beg to have sex more then once a week, and I am told your sex drive is not normal. But reality is..yes it is…in this time frame I just like you have for gone certain parts of sex that I love, the foreplay, the connection that comes with touching and playing and teasing…
I have told my husband point blank that I am dying in this relationship. Unfortunately it was met with a week attempted I try and then no follow through…
I do not believe that going outside your marriage to another man is the answer but rather brings on more problems but if you honestly feel that there is not a choice then concider getting a toy…yes a toy… you might find it a better alternative then embracing another man where your husband lacks. No.it does not fix the lack off affection but the sex side it will…
In the hopes that you can for go the lack of attention and affection if you are sexually saticifed. Now if that is not an option for you and still not enough then I will put it out there that if you are going to cheat or sleep around then seriously consider getting out of your marriage…
Why do I say this…well think about it. The cheat on the for front is a quick fix to a bigger issue. That issue is not going to go away and now all you have done is brought in an outsider to a marriage your not happy in. If things can’t change or get better without looking for another person to fill this void then it’s time to take a cold hard look at the big picture.
Why hurt someone else and destroy someone else because of what you can’t live without. That’s not fare. You will respect your self more in the long wrong if you can be honest enough with your self to be honest enough with him. You can’t change another person only your self. But I agree with you this is one area in marriage that your suppose to be close in and satisfied.
With out bring religion into this but God made us all different for a reason, but in one area …sex….we all need love attention and affection…counseling is a great idea if you can get an African man to humble him self down and go..but there to prideful most of them…
At the end of the day it all comes down to the harsh reality of what you are willing to for go and put up with Or not…what you are willing to give up….this is obviously important enough to put it out there.. so my dear…you need to thing long and hard before going and hurting someone else by bring in someone else the long term effects it will on you and the other person then make a decision save your self more pain and misery if you can’t handle the fact he probably won’t change and make a.tough decison…
But just note you are not alone in this and there are other woman ..my self included that are facing the samething…but like me that is the least of my issues…I am in a cross culture interracial relationship on top of the other….but working on us daily….
My prayer for you is to not give up too soon and take it to God…let him help..
Good luck
This is a case of different strokes for different folks. In my marriage , my wife complains that once every two days is too much and will prefer once a week.
I think you need to find out why your husband has a low sex drive….it could be his kind of work which leaves him drained of energy all week.
You both need to be patient with each other and find something that works
YOU ARE ALREADY SLEEPING AROUND SO STOP PRETENDING. CONTINUE MY DEAR. I CAN SEND YOU MY NOS FOR A MEETING
Hello Dr Emuan, I thank you for all that luck you brought to me. I was so desperate when I first contacted you, but since you gave me hope and sounded so genuine, I gave your spell a go. Now I don’t even think about what it cost me. Your help is much more valuable than I thought! I am very pleased to know you Dremuansolution@gmail. com. Sincerely
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